A lady walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?", the druggist asks.
"I want to kill my husband.", the lady says.
"I can't sell you any for that reason.", says the druggist.
The lady pulls a picture from her purse and shows it to the druggist. It's a picture of a man and a woman in a
compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist's wife.
"Ooohh," says the druggist, "I didn't know you had a prescription."


Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.
The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first."


Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two
sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you man... you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, and looking sick!
So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"CHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"


A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed, out back of the barn. She put his genitals in a vice, secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside, your damn cat."

This post has been edited by goathead: Aug 21 2007, 01:52 AM

LMAO! Stop making me laugh, it hurts lol. You guys are too funny,

Regards,
TheYoda

omg... one of those made me hurt....

they were funny though..
-Steve

Those are good man. You guys keep em coming.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub and, then, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."'

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" his client asked.

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.
He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As he was leaving the court house, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

The lawyer commented: "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd have sent cigars to the Judge."

"But, I did send them." said the client.

"What? You did?" the lawyer asked.

"Yes, that's how we won the case!" the client replied.
"I sent the cigars to the judge, but I signed the plaintiff's name."

Y'all are making me cry because im laughing so hard.

Thanks. Made me laugh hard too. You see I'm an ex-cigar smoker.... Tho' never a Judge.

Regarding the tub story - I already have the penthouse suite there. Mine's the one with the pretty blue bars.

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself sitting beside a scruffy looking drunk, who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over, and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, and then examined it closely, by sniffing and licking it.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic, feel like rubber,, and has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

Out of his nose?? That's gross, lmao.

Bloopers. The cat that held onto the rotating fan for so long was amazing.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/790227/bloopers/

OMG you people are trying to kill me w/ laughter.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?", St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago.", he replied.

Good one 'goathead' LMAO.

I deleted the previous joke.

Though we are gonna have a looser attitude here than we have at BC, lets try to keep any sort of ethnic slurs out of the jokes.