I don't see how it had internet associations, unless the girl talked to some questionable friends on there. And there's really no "method of discovery" in knowing how to hurt yourself, and it seems to come naturally to these people with so-called "problems". Either that, or they seem to have an innate desire to hurt someone else. For example, an angry child hitting their parents.

Just noticed solaris has been good enough to start a topic where we can discuss 'cutting' or other areas of "problems", rather than continue here in Vicki's thread.

http://www.thoughtvent.com/forums/Masochis...lems-t1076.html

I discovered the cutting because we had family in and her cousin just flat out asked her. Then told her father who told us. The clues had been there, like finding drawings of razor blades and blood. We had talked about it before but all I got was a negative response. As to the internet restrictions - its to spend more time with the family, we have noticed a withdrawal from the family and "attitude" . We want her to talk to us and not just people on the net so we can provide input.

I would certainly seek out professional advice for your daughter. You could certainly talk to her school's councilors about this.
Zarathustra

Update ... Alyssa seems to be much happier since we found out. She even joked about not having to wear long sleeves to the table, Almost like she had a weight removed when we found out - although she is still not happy with her cousin for squealing on her.

That's very good to hear!

Dear Vicki,
This post sure made me feel better about what your daughter is going through.

I'm fifty seven this year and still have to fight off depression.
I don't know if this will help you, but I would like to explain just how important it was all my life to have the attention I needed from my family.
I never got it, and it lead to a life of misery, even while I thought I was doing just fine.

There is a very fine line between being your daughters friend and being a good parent.
She doesn't sound like she's in any deep depression and with your love and guidance she may never need professional help.

It sounds like she is a bit lost and confused to what her worth is right now.

Trying to put up with all the pressure one goes through at her age can bring her to experiment with finding a away to understand her own emotions.
Cutting is just one way I and others have tried to feel something besides confussion, and uselessness.
This is a sign of not believing in ourselves and that no one else believes in us either.

Motivate her in ways that she can feel more self worth, and how important she is not only to you and your family, but how important she is to this world.

Show her how she belongs to a much larger world than what is just in her backyard, and that her contribution is just as important as Jesus was in his day.
I'm not religious and sometimes religion can push me away from others, but if someone had showed me at a young age just how much I would be contributing to this world today, well lets just say that I know I would have lived my life in a much different way than I did.

Help her to understand how everything she does has an effect on everyone she has ever known. And those she is going to meet in the future.

Listen to what she will share with you, and never admonish her for making dumb decisions. (like cutting) Then help her to evaluate why she does certain things and why she feels one way or another about events happening in her life.

Be on her side even when she has anger towards someone, but then help her to figure out ways to prevent people making her angry.
Give her ways to either avoid these confrontations, or help her to figure out ways to resolve issues with bullies, arogant snobs, or other people causing her to doubt her self worth.

A lot of times when I was dealing with my anger I never had the strength to resolve the issue with the people who were making me angry, so I turned it in on myself.
If there had only been someone to talk about my problems with and to help me find solutions I wouldn't have been so depressed in my life.
I just now am learning and understanding why I could not fit in with the rest of the world, and because of my background I had nowhere to turn.

Yes even though your able to laugh a little bit at the dinner table, the underlying problems have only begun to service, so you must keep the lines of conmunication wide open.

One other big point I would like to make is, if you have other kids. Then they too must be able to talk about what has transpired, and you cannot forget them for one minute.

The dinner table is a great forum for open and honest dicussions about troubling issues, and though there needs to be some guidelines, not one single subject should be taboo for your topics.
And when one individual needs more attention, it will be easier for others to understand why one kid is getting more attention than another.
( don't forget that you too as a parent might need the advice or comforting from your children in oreder to ease some of their pains as well as your own)

My last bit of advice is, should your daughter once again become less open to family and withdraws to her bedroom to be alone too much, then family counseling should be considered as this is not just her problem, but is a problem within the whole family.

Once you get this all resolved you can then come back here and tell us how your 17 year old got drunk with friends and you don't know what to do now! (this is meant as a little levity)

This post has been edited by unjustjohn: Apr 5 2008, 07:00 AM

Thanks UJJ, I wish I'd seen such a post many years ago to maybe - help another in my extended family also.

I'll only say. Get help from others. There are many free programs and professional help in the USA.
One does not have to walk alone....