Random Jokes

A lady walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?", the druggist asks.
"I want to kill my husband.", the lady says.
"I can't sell you any for that reason.", says the druggist.
The lady pulls a picture from her purse and shows it to the druggist. It's a picture of a man and a woman in a
compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist's wife.
"Ooohh," says the druggist, "I didn't know you had a prescription."


Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.
The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first."


Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two
sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you man... you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, and looking sick!
So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"CHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"


A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed, out back of the barn. She put his genitals in a vice, secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside, your damn cat."

Children's Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife, Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"What Your Parents Really Mean When They Say Your "Special"

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan, with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open, and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

Can't edit Personal Portal Information

The board's not allowing me to edit my Personal Portal Information, in my Control Panel.
Under Notification Options, when I change New Comments, and New Friends, to Notify via PM, and click the Save Settings button, it takes me back to the forums.
It doesn't update.
Tried clearing the cache, and trying again, but it still won't update.
Didn't have any problems changing any of the other settings, just Personal Portal Information.